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I first met her while filming a documentary at Center on Halsted last year. Nair was one of the panelists at Queer Is Community, an event I helped organize as a town hall meeting to discuss racism and transphobia in the Lakeview community. She mindfully informed me that it was part of a larger issue : the historical way that our city subjugates those at the margins.
It was a Chicago problem. While we spoke, we were routinely interrupted by janitors and maintenance men around us going through the daily grind of keeping the Center running, a job as thankless as it is noisy.
At first we tried to stop for each disturbance, but as the noise became the norm, Nair insisted on continuing to speak louder than the sound. No one was going to silence her.
My weirdest and most racist opponents are white and sometimes brown sectarian leftists who condescend to tell me that I should be taking on white supremacy or racism and leave marriage alone. Clearly, the irony in their words escapes them. Nair has led an eclectic life, moving from her home in Calcutta now Kolkata to Kathmandu, Bombay now Mumbai and then back to Calcutta before moving to the U. She says l iving in Kathmandu as a child was especially formative. In the 70s, it was a place where all the hippies went, the countercultural Shangri-La.
As someone living outside the boundaries of what society says is acceptable, the place will forever have a symbolic place in her subconscious. She is an avid collector of Hello Kitty paraphernalia and recalls going to McDonalds to purchase every single one of their Happy Meal miniatures, as they were a recent toy tie-in.
Upon entering her apartm ent, I was as st ruck by the numerous posters of Marilyn Monroe as her endless library, and that Nair was as able and willing to talk to me about Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears as she was Foucault. Unlike their European counterparts, increasingly ambivalent about marriage, college graduates in the United States are reinventing marriage as a child-rearing machine for a post-feminist society and a knowledge economy.
The glue for these marriages is not sex, nor religion, nor money. It is a joint commitment to high-investment parenting—not hippy marriages, but "HIP" marriages.
And America needs more of them. Right now, these marriages are concentrated at the top of the social ladder, but they offer the best—perhaps the only—hope for saving the institution. During the s and s, it looked as if the elite might turn away from this fusty, constricting institution. Instead, they are now its most popular participants. In , American marriage passed an important milestone : It was the first year when rates of marriage by age 30 were higher for college graduates than for non-graduates.
Why should we care about the class gap in marriage? First, two-parent households are less likely to raise children in poverty , since two potential earners are better than one. More than half of children in poverty— Second, children raised by married parents do better on a range of educational, social and economic outcomes.
It is, inevitably, fiendishly difficult to tease out cause and effect here: Highly-educated, highly-committed parents, in a loving, stable relationship are likely to raise successful children, regardless of their marital status. It is hard to work out whether marriage itself is making much difference, or whether it is, as many commentators now claim, merely the "capstone" of a successful relationship. The debate over marriage is also hindered by treating it as a monolithic institution.
But even among this multiplicity of marital shapes, it is possible to identity three key motivations for marriage—money, love, and childrearing—and three corresponding kinds of marriage: traditional, romantic, and parental see Box. Traditional marriage is being rendered obsolete by feminism and the shift to a non-unionized, service economy. Romantic marriage, based on individual needs and expression, remains largely a figment of our Hollywood-fueled imaginations, and sub-optimal for children.
HIP marriages are the future of American marriage—if it has one. The traditional model of marriage is based on a strongly gendered division of labor between a breadwinning man and a homemaking mom. Husbands bring home the bacon.
Wives cook it. In these marriages, often underpinned by religious faith, duty and obligation to both spouse and children feature strongly. In their ideal form, traditional marriages also institutionalize sex. Couples wait until the wedding night to consummate their relationship, and then remain sexually faithful to each other for life. It is too late. Attitudes to sex, feminist advances, and labor market economics have dealt fatal blows to the traditional model of marriage.
Sex before marriage is the new norm. The average American woman now has a decade of sexual activity before her first marriage at the age of The availability of contraception, abortion, and divorce has permanently altered the relationship between sex and marriage. Women now make up more than half the workforce. For every three men graduating from college, there are four women.
Turning back this half century of feminist advance is impossible leaving aside the fact that is deeply undesirable. There is class gap here, however. I have to say that being a "wife" doesn't really rock my boat. I'd have liked the opportunity to enter into a civil partnership instead of a marriage — the latter, in its very presumption of different words for the two spouses, presumes two different, specific roles.
Cameron is right.
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